I heard “a women’s life in not complete until she becomes a mother”…… My life has changed in so many ways in just a matter of weeks. It makes me sad to realize it has been over a month now, to think he is not going to be that tiny ever again I am never going to those newborn faces he doesn’t even know he makes. I am even loving the fact that I smell of baby lotion and stale milk. Maybe it is the hormones still kicking, but every worry in the world I had pre-delivery seemed so trivial to me. My worries and fears now are far beyond what they were before I met him. I fear of what the world will be like in 10 or 20 years. I fear of him ever getting his heart broke, him ever getting hurt. I fear of letting him down as a parent but most of all in these 1st weeks, the thing I fear most is that he will never know how much Chris and I love him.
JCS Birth Story
What is the perfect delivery? Is there such thing? In my mind I was preparing myself for the perfect delivery of my son. I read up on everything to prep myself …..Everything……..except for C Section deliveries. They are no big deal to so many women but I was very much looking at not having one.
So , my Due date , August 1, came and went. No baby. I was so discouraged.
August 6 was my normal checkup 3:00, Chris and I went in to the ultra sound tech first. She had detected an abnormally low heart rate of 82. I knew something was not right. She remained calm and went and got the doctor (my doctor was on vacation). Fear rushed over me and suddenly my “easy pregnancy “ I had for the last 9 months did a 180. The doctor advised us to go directly to Labor & Delivery where they were going to induce my and monitor the baby’s heart rate. “You OK” Chris knew without asking me that question that I was alarmed.
There we were, they had induced me, the baby’s heart was staying up and the doc said we should see baby within 12 – 24 hrs. Night came and I remember turning from side to side. I could not get comfortable for anything. I could not sleep because all I could here was his little heart rate, beap. Beap. Beap. waiting to hear something abnormal. And staring at his monitor. The nurse turned it off (she did not realize I could hear it). They monitor it at the nurse station.
1:00 am , she walks in and was followed by 2 other nurses this time. I was panicked and was so unsure of what was going in. “The heart rate dropped, way below the last time” she said. “The doctor is on his way”. Meaning he was driving here at 1:00 am in the morning and I knew what that meant. She said an “urgent C Sect was advised”. The doc arrived and said I was not dilated (STILL) and if his heart rate dipped during labor there is no telling what would happen. Chris and I of course knew what was best. “Can my husband be with me” I asked. They said yes, but they needed to move quickly. I also assured the doctor before he went to prep that he needed to have some coffee before performing my procedure. I am not sure if it was lack of sleep on my part or drugs but I still cannot believe I said it. The nurses prepped me so fast I had no idea what was happening. “This to reverse the induction, it might give you the chills”. The nurse gave me a shot.
They wheeled me to the OR. I was shivering cold and shaking from the drugs; my whole body was tense tight and nervous. “Where is Chris”?
“We will get him in a minute” the nurse told me.” It was time for the epidural and he was not in there. “We can let him in after the anesthesia”. I became even more nervous for the epidural, my body shook more. The nurse hugged me and let me lean on her. She told me to just breathe.
After they laid me down it took more than estimated for the Epidural to kick in. The anesticilogist tested my abdomen numerous times. I could still feel her pricks. “Can you feel this?” I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted. I felt even more anxious. Finally it kicked it. “Are you going to get Chris”? Although everything was out of our control, the thought of not having him in there with me made me a mess. For some reason I knew by having him with me, he wouldn’t let anything go wrong.
At last they let him to the room. He held my left hand and the nurse held my other. I shook and shook and couldn’t stop shaking. Again, I had never read up on the first thing regarding how a C Section went. I was scared and crying. I felt them pushing on me and lots of pressure. Chris and I looked at one another not know what to expect. More pressure more shaking , more chills. Then all the sudden we heard the most joyful sound, it was him. Whaling and gasping. I cried again for good reasons this time. He was here.
Emotions were ringing , the drugs were heavy and my hormones were to the sky. It didn’t matter. He is here now, right here in my arms. It was all that mattered. After the tests were done before they moved us to recovery we stayed in the testing room down stairs, empty, dark and silent. Just us. There was no one else in the test room but us and the nurse. Chris and I just stared at our little miracle. We did this. This little being, his skin, his tiny hands, his heart was made of us.
Chris and I, our forever began Oct 8, 2011, but our Lives began August 7, 2013. The second I my eyes saw our little boy was an unexplainable feeling. Friends tell me it is the most beautiful time in your life (and of course others have to tell you their horror stories), but I have never been so moved. Everything went away. This new feeling was bigger than us, bigger than life and there it was, there he was in our arms.
The 4 days in the Birth Center were somewhat of a dream. That euphoric feeling I had during my pregnancy that I didn’t think could get better, well it did. I was on another high. We had so many visitors.
One thing that surprised me throughout my pregnancy and welcoming our baby is my love for Chris. I have never been more in love with him than I was in that moment and even more the last few months. My Best Friend…..he gave me love, he made me his wife, he gave me a home, and now he gives me family. I don’t know how women do this on their own.
“I was put on this earth just for you”.
Naples Florida Newborn Photographer